Thursday, January 27, 2011

The Good Thing Bout Horror Movies Part 1

You know the good thing bout horror movies? It brings out the person you really are. It doesn’t matter how brave you are, or how much you’re as tough as you think you are. A truly good horror movie, watched alone, under the dim-sum that is dawn, will chill the sanest of us all. After all, the opposite of horror is hope.

Anyways, I was watchin one of those really trashy horror movies on TV the other day and the emotions it brought forth in me reached a different and, if you don’t mind me sayin, rather disturbin levels to me.

It all started....

"Wait! Can’t say that, didn’t watch d stupid starting. Wait... Think. Think.. Think...ok.... Ok...ok"

At the middle of it all the scene is grim. The cast; a woman, nine months and some change pregnant; her husband with a chest wound; a slightly inappropriately dressed coed, slightly soiled... sophomore. (What? I checked her out, any man would. Sorry Love) A black man, whom btw, has lost his left arm and is basically bleedin to death

(Racist Alert: Level 1. Does it always have to the black guy? It’s always fat or black with these guys. Right now, in MyimaginaryLand a bunch of myimaginary producers are replying to myimaginary query and they’re replyin "But we let a bunch a white people die before him" and "Damn! How can u always tell?" Answer: Duh)

;and a middle-aged man who happened to be drivin a RV in where every day is 'No-RV Day’.

The plot is pretty basic. Everyone is runnin from bikers from hell, or Hellbikers, I think they called themselves. Later on, they will meet, as later events will prove, a slightly stupid Mexican priest (Racist Alert Lvl 2: Really???? How very original) in a bid to stop the antichrist from being born.

The black guy, understandably, has to die first. ‘Sides, having him go thru another scene where the belt around his amputated arm was being tightened would have been just too cruel. So he is dragged out with hooks comin from the only unlocked RV side-door in the country. They're there for a reason, people. Lock your friggin doors in Hellrider Land, just lock your friggin doors period. Locks save lives.

In any case, ole armless was their last line of defense and the Hellriders are clamberin onboard. Suddenly, the middle-aged RV driver transforms into John Rambo and back chops every demon outta his RV. Who is he, why does he have mad skills with a knife, why is he wearin tennis whites and isnt he the guy who, in another movie, would be luring and butchering nubile young things are all questions that are never raised nor answered.

At the climax, the dyin stupid priest tells our middle aged hero (MAH) that an amulet he has will save the pregnant woman from bringin in the devil child. Funny thing is, a few moments ago the woman’s husband was askin the same question and the only answer stupid priest could come up with was for her to be sacrificed so that "Evil will not be born onto this world!". Go figure.

Anyways, the disturbin episode occurred when, amidst all of the flyin limbs and blood puking, I started to laugh. And when old armless went out those unlocked side doors, screamin and callin for mama I laughed so hard I fell outta my chair. Now that realization, as it often will, made me think that me, and those like me, and we're growin in number, are dangerous people, at least to some. Why? You'll have to wait till my next entry to find out. Heheh...